I didn't realize how closely I'd drawn to people here. There is a fellow I work with who I adore. He's smart, humble, honest, and generous. We have a similar sense of humor, which we got to see earlier tonight when we both blurted out, in unison, a funny taunt to someone that was telling a story. I wanted to reach over and give him a bearhug.
There are others who come to me and ask if I'm sure I have to leave, in tones that leave no doubt that they're feeling a little upset at my departure.
Of course, there is my family. All of them want me to stay.
I always say that it feels good to be needed. There's no doubt that I'm needed here, for many reasons. However, what is unique about this move is that I feel a sense of wrongness. I feel ..., well, I feel.
I've been frozen for many years. I distanced myself from people because, in general, people are hurtful, coarse, and uncaring. I wasn't going to allow them to shake my tree, no way. People who knew me back when I was a teenager describe me as being "aloof". It's true. I wouldn't allow anyone to get close. If you want to know how I felt about myself, listen to "I Am A Rock" by Simon and Garfunkel. I could have written that song, myself. I know now what it means to be "living in my head". I had no body sensations at all. "I" was only the space behind my eyes. My body was just a shell that carried around a conceptual "me".
At some point over the last couple of years, I've allowed myself to thaw a little. My sense of humor has improved. I express my desires instead of hiding them or always deferring to other people's wants. I know how to say "no" and mean it. (Always room for improvement in that department.) I no longer live behind my eyes. It's a subtle feeling, but tangible. I feel "me" all the way from the crown of my head to the upper portion of my chest. It feels good. I spend a few minutes every morning just experiencing and appreciating this new awareness. Often, I feel like I'm gargantuan in size compared to others around me. I wonder if I will become more fully integrated and what it might feel like. I can only imagine at this point.
Is it by allowing others to become close that I've come to these new feelings ? Or is it that having these feelings has allowed me to become closer to others? Do these feelings arise spontaneously or simultaneously? Am I over-thinking it? Probably.
Any way this pie gets sliced, I feel sad about leaving. I've been valued and respected. I've made new kinds of connections with others that I've never felt before and am reluctant to relinquish them.
Is this what love feels like?
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